Never Touch a Dwarfs Things!
by Isabelle Montgomery
Summary: Have you ever heard of a pseudo-Mary-Sue that didn't involve either Legolas, Aragorn, or the Hobbits? Neither have I, until now. This is just a cute piece of fluff at the moment. But soon you'll be seeing Gimli in DRAG!
1. Sparky the shock of what?

Disclaimer: I own nothing of these characters with the exception of Lilly. She's all mine baby.. I'll fight ya for her! 

A/N: I decided to do a piece of fluff possible Mary-Sue about Gimli. I came up with the idea while I was in my Econ class. I was looking at an actual dwarf, namely my teacher Mr. McKnight, known very non-fondly as Goodnight McKnight (because if he doesn't scream your ear off he puts you to sleep). After all he does have all the characteristics of a dwarf, he's loud, rude, obnoxious, and really stinky (smells like brimstone aka an old fart). Anyhoo, I realized that I felt sorry for the guy, Gimli, not Goodnight, 'cause he's always left out of things, and while the rest of the Fellowship is getting it on with fangirls and boys, poor Gimli gets nothin'. 

A low rumble came from the wood. It could easily be recognized as the voice of Gimli, son of (cough*Loin*cough) Gloin, the dwarf. His bellow was that of outrage on that early fall morning. The sun came in though the trees as dawn broke on the horizon, it was as red as the skin that could be seen above Master Gimli's braided beard. 

It was plain to see the reason for his agitation. The camp that was once clean and peaceful was trashed and full of fangirls and boys. They were all swarmed around their favorite LOTR character. But none were near Gimli if they could help it. Yet this was not the reason for his outrage. The fangirls, and boys, always seemed to find them no matter where they went. So waking up to them was not startling at all. It was the fact that one of the fangirls had stolen his beautiful axe and were using it for something. They were gathered in a huge circle and each were sighing in their turn. Judging from the number of fan boys and girls Gimli surmised (oh! Big word!) that the object of their sighing must be Legolas. Angrily he bellowed out his outrage as he forced himself through the masses. 

" Never touch a dwarf's things!" His loud voice made many girls jump with surprise and move out of his way. There, in the center of all the fangirls, lied Legolas. He was lying on a fine blanket they picked up in Lothlorien, with his head on a young woman's knees. Gimli came up to her, glaring down. In her hands was his heavy axe. Legolas looked up at Gimli and smiled widely, causing many fans to sigh and a few to faint. Gimli became more enraged when he saw that his friend was using his beloved axe as a mirror. 

" 'Tis a fine morn is it not, Gimli, my friend?" he raised his eyebrow as if in jest. Rolling his eyes, Gimli swooped down and grabbed his axe, glaring at the woman who held it. When his hand touched the hand of the maiden who held his beloved axe, he shot back as if he was burned. He felt as if something actually sparked between their skin at the moment of contact. So curious was it that it made the dwarf speechless, a rather hard thing for a dwarf to be. As they stared at each other Gimli could easily see that she felt it as well. 

Unused to the feeling of utter speechlessness, and complete wonderment, Gimli turned to a very familiar feeling. Anger. Gimli glared at the young woman, kindly noticing that she didn't look as disgustingly pretty as the rest of the fangirls. 

" This day would be a finer day if unwanted people would do their duty and leave!" He turned away angrily and stomped off to the empty part of camp that was his.

A/N: Sorry this is so short. Just part one of a few… How'd ya like it so far? 


	2. On the Flip Side

Lilly stared at Gimli's retreating form, breathless. Her body was still in shock from the spark that lit between their skin. She didn't snap back to reality until Legolas 

pinched her arm. 

" Lisa? Are you still alive?" said Legolas, his voice was like chocolate. Seductive and completely addictive. Yet it didn't phase Lilly at all. " Oh, don't listen to him. My dear friend is nothing but a sour puss in the morning." With that stated Legolas resumed his position on her legs and sighed. " You may continue admiring me." 

" My name is Lilly. And I'm fine." She muttered quietly. Legolas glanced up quickly and Lilly knew he'd heard her. 'Stupid me' she thought, ' he has elf hearing duh! At least he's not Galadriel.' She smiled slightly at the thought of Legolas in a long flowing dress. Probably thinking the smile was directed towards him Legolas looked back to the throng of fans gathered around him. Just to get a reaction from the crowd he smiled widely. A cumulative sigh grasped the air, and a few 

soft thuds of swooning bodies made Legolas smile even wider. 

Lilly herself gave a soft sigh, but not one of pleasure at seeing the glorious smile of the Elven One (as the girls named him). Her leg was asleep under the back of the heavier-than-he-looks elf and it was loudly reminding her to move it. When she went to shift off of her slumbering leg he moved his weight even more on to her. Nearly gasping from the sharp poking pain building in her legs, Lilly managed to sneak a hand down to her swollen feeling ankle. It was tucked under her butt for more support, but now she was regretting that idea. 

" Ow," she breathed silently, " pins and needles!" 

" What was that Lina?" Legolas asked without turning his head. For a brief moment Lilly actually thought about ripping his ears off, but that thought went away fast. Who would want to damage those adorable pointy ears?

" I said 'pins and needles'" 

" What does that mean?" he asked haughtily. Whoever said that elves were light creatures never had one leaning against their already numb legs! As Legolas awaited her answer he pressed himself harder against her leg. Lilly grimaced at the flush of pain. 

" It means for you to get your heavy elven ass off of me." She grunted through clenched teeth. A resounding gasp told Lilly that everyone heard what she said. Legolas turned to face her. There was hurt on his face, but surprise in his eyes. Growls came from the audience, Lilly glanced at them. Then, without realizing it, the weight of the Elven One was lifted and blood began to flow back into the worn limbs. " Ow." 

Suddenly there were hands under her arms, lifting her up. Three fangirls and one of the few boys were shuffling her off into the surrounding woods. Lilly really didn't care where she was going, she was just happy to have some feeling back in her legs. Even if it was pain. " Ow."

" You can stop that now!" said a fangirl to her left. The entourage stopped and set Lilly on the forest floor. 

" Excuse me?" 

" Oh, I think you know exactly what your doing." Said the fangirl. She was one of 

those absolutely beautiful creatures that stories like this one loved so much. But right now, she was uglier than sin with a scowl on her face that could turn milk sour. 

" Um, okay… sure. I know that I'm trying to get circulation to my legs but, other than that, not really. Care to tell me what you think I think I know what I'm doing?" Lilly said carefully. She had to pause a moment to be sure of what she just said. Yeah, she said it right.

" Oh, don't act dumb, or wait maybe that's just how you act all the time." The joke fell flat. But the emotion behind it was not lost on Lilly. 

" You're jealous?" Lilly laughed. 

" How dare you treat the Holy Elven One that way!" She screamed. This must be Debbie, the one who treats Legolas like a god.

" You try having a heavy elf sit on your legs for an entire afternoon!"

" You don't deserve even a glance from the Holy Elven One you wort hog! SUUUUWEEE!" Debbie shouted in Lillys face. There was a pause before the girls simultaneously launched at each other nails bared.


	3. And Then There Were Two

Only a few shots were landed before the girls were pulled off each other. A Fan-boy named Liam had Lilly around her waist, while the remainder of the fangirls latched on to Debbie's arms. To the amazement of the group Liam picked Lilly up and carried her acorss the tiny clearing. 

" Put! Me! Down!" She gasped while trying to hurt Liam into releasing her.

" Not until you calm do- OW!" he yelped. She had a grip on his ear and gave a little tug. " I am not your enemy girl!"

With that Lilly let go of his captive ear, and went limp in his arms. He let her down as gently as one would a sack of potatoes. She looked over Liam's shoulder at her real enemy and figuritivly shot fire out of her eyeballs. You never know what could really happen in these alternate universes can you? The group of Debbie-allied charlatans started to make their way back to camp, their crazy leader among them. Lilly knew that within 2 minutes the story would be out. With Debbie the winner. 

" I'm not about to let that happen!" she said aloud. Before she could move Liam grabbed her arm.

" I know exactly what you're thinking, and let me just say 'nuh-uh' and 'who cares'?" Lilly could only grunt her assent. He was right, even if he didn't let her beat that chick into a bloody pulp which would have looked better on her than her freaking sneer which only looked like the hog she was portraying me to be, how funny it that she knew just the perfect pitch to call pigs, I could have sworn I saw a whole pack of them stampedeing over to her and..... crap, I got off track. Okay so the boy had a point, what of it? 

" Grr.." she muttered.

" See? You're still riled up about some stupid box blonde my-top-is-too-tight-for-my-boobs-OOPS! bimbo who probably couldn't write a good date on Fanfiction. And I'm not even talking about days, months, or years, honey. Hell, she probably wrote herself to look like that before she came here because at home she's just an idiot who got beaten with the U-G-L-Y stick everyday." Liam thwacked the air, and Lilly cracked a smile. How could she not? 

"Twice a day." Lilly giggled, " No, every two hours!" After a few moments both were shouting with laughter. Liam pushed away tears that came rolling down his face. Lilly wheezed until she could easily breathe again. They took one look at eachother and started laughing agian. Thus the cycle went on for another half-hour before the two giggling idiots finally decided to stop laughing and get back to camp. 

" You crack me up, man" Lilly said as she lightly punched Liam on the shoulder. 

" I know." there was a silence between them before Liam said the inevitable." We should go back to camp before they leave without us." 

" Nah, they won't leave, not when so little of the hoarde is here, and on such a beautiful day." Lilly looked up at the sky through the trees. It's a deeper blue than the sky at home, she reflected. " Actually," she said suddenly, " I don't really want to go back to camp just yet. I kind of want to enjoy the day WITHOUT any kind of elf, hobbit, wizard, or ranger near me!"

Liam took in a shocked gasp, his mouth gaping wide, as though she had just uttered the most heinous words in the world. Then his face melted back into place before he replied, " I understand." 

Lilly laughed. She couldn't help it. This kid was awesome! Funny, smart, sarcastic, cynical, and strong. It was just too bad about the gay thing.

" There's this lake we passed as we jetted over here to admire our hapless heroes." he continued." It's not too far. You could go there and clean off all the dirt that seems to be making a colony on your face at the moment." Lilly's hand flew to her face. Liam laughed. " Seriously though, you could do for a bath." 

" Gee, thanks Mr. Sensitive." she fake frowned, he smirked. " fine, sounds lovely actually. Wanna join in for some hot, steamy, wet action?" 

" You mean I get to hold your clothes and cool my heels out of the frigid water while you make an ass of youself skinny dipping infront of a gay man? Really? Well then, by all means." He smiled gallantly. 

" Actually if you say it like that, I'll pass. And I'm the one going to skinny dip!" His reation was to look all sad puppy-like, damn him. 

" Fine, how about this Liam, I'll set you on a mission." she said and his proverbial ears perked right up at that. " Go and try to find any and all dirt on Little Miss Piggy, who she talks to, where she sleeps, who she sleeps with, that kind of thing. Okay?" 

" Now you're talking my language, Mama!"

" Cool! See ya later then!" She said before turning away.

"Bye babes!" He responded and turned toward camp. 

Now if I were a lake...... 


	4. Nudie Beach for One or Two? part 1

A/N: Don't worry Gimli's little dress-up will be in the next chapter, weather permitting. And I'd like to give a gigantimus hug to the 8 people who've so-far reviewed. Love to y'all from the northern chickie-poo, that is to say.. Me.

Chapter Four: Nudie Beach For One or Two?

Ahhh… Life seems so simple when you're walking alone in a forest. So calm, so beautiful, so silent. Until, that is, your toe decides to punch some unsuspecting tree root. 

" Ow! Ow, stupid… freaking… tree. What'd I do to you?" Lilly shouted with pain. She hobbled to the nearest log to examine the said injury. For a moment Lilly half expected the tree to respond with something snappy and then decide to take her head off. Different universes were tricky that way.

Her toe was fine but it still hurt. Grumbling about the compassion of trees she stood and went on her way. Something through the bushes caught her eyes. A bright shimmer of the reflected sun. A sudden mad glee took over Lilly as she ran through the bushes onto the virgin beach.

" MWAHAHahahahahaha! I have found thee!!!!" she shouted when she stepped foot onto the sand. Then, she was really happy she did find this place.

The lake was perfect. Not tiny, with pond scum encrusted beaches, nor a vast expanse of water as far as the eye could see. It was even mostly enclosed by trees. Perfect for some nudie bathing! She never ever thought that there would ever be a chance in the entirety of her life to go skinny dipping. Here it was and she seized it like a clumsy virgin on prom night. Laughing out-loud she stripped down to nothing and ran splashing into the water. Immediately she screamed.

" C-O-L-D! Oh! My! GOD! COLD!" She shrieked into the wilderness. She came dashing out of the water to catch her cold stolen breath. " Holy crap that's cold! Liam wasn't kidding when he said frigid. Whoo!" she said rubbing her arms. She looked at her dirty clothes then at the pristine clean water and back at her soiled belongings. Clean was better than sweaty and dirty anyday, no matter how freaking cold. Setting her jaw with determination Lilly took her time easing into the cool water. Hmm, she thought, it's not that bad once you get used to it. (a saying heard through all six Great Lakes of the U.S. and Canada.)

Lilly looked to the sky for a judge on time. The sun had yet to reach it's highest in the sky which meant that she had all day to swim, clean, and enjoy an albeit naked, elf-less day. Although put together a naked elf day would be quite the sight. (Am I right people?). Grabbing clumps of sand Lilly looked forward to washing some of the nastiness out of her clothes. 

Gimli looked forward to cleaning off his axe and helm where the she-devil had touched them. Now, I know there's a lake around here somewhere, he thought. 


	5. Nudie Beach for One or Two? part 2

Damn the woman. Who is she to steal and touch his beloved blade? Who is she to hold a weapon made by his own father Gloin over one hundred years ago? And what was that peculiar spark? Gimli's mind raced as he marched toward the nearest lake.

Even then he could feel little tiny sparks spread across his skin at the very thought of her. It left his skin feeling hot and cold, soft and hard. She made the very hairs of his beard stand on end. Damn her.

He slowed his march as the brush became thick. His nerves clamed a bit as he had to fight through underbrush and brambles, wielding his axe before him. The closer he got to the shore the better he felt. When finally he broke through to the open water he felt like the world was almost as it was after the long battle with Suron.

He knelt on the small beach and grasped a handful of earth. As he looked up to the blue sky he felt free. The forest was not for him, but the earth, earth was life. Every particle was pumping with life. Trees die, but mountains live forever.

Moving the earth in his hand he took a deep breath. His soul calmed, his mind cleared of that accursed woman and her piercing blue eyes, and her dark hair, and her not so slender hands. His look of peace dropped into a frown.

Again he gripped the earth in his hand and took a deep breath intent on banishing her from his thoughts. It was less than a second he had seen her, he though, how could he be so awe struck within a second? The elven queen Galadriel came to mind suddenly. Her spell was cast over him in mere moments of her appearance.

A noise startled him. A splash of water. Then a giggle. Curious Gimli edged around some brush that protruded out into the lake. Careful not to give away his position he looked through the high grass. There was movement in the water. Gimli crouched as he watched.

The water stirred again, then suddenly a being pushed forth out of the glassy liquid. The water sprayed back as her dark hair flew behind her head. A mermaid, thought Gimli, never in my life did I think I'd see one.

Her skin was glossy wet, so white she seemed to glow in the sunlight. Her body was indescribable. It was imperfect, yet perfect. She was not thin, but she was not horribly fat. Her body was curvy and gorgeous. Gimli dropped the earth from his hand.

He watched this glorious creature swim and play in the water. He had no idea how long he stood there staring like a common peeping tom. He felt the heat reach his cheeks as he realized this. He was about to move from his spot when the creature started to come out of the water.

She had legs. Like a human she had legs. And she had clothes. Oh no, he thought. She turned in his direction, as naked as the day she was born, and looked at him. Gimli dropped his axe in the water. She shrieked and grabbed at her clothes.

Oh hell, it was her. The very woman he was trying to forget. He cursed the day, and when a dwarf curses it is more than colorful.


End file.
